


The Five Second Rule

by Ambitious_Rubbish



Series: Miscellaneous Miscellanea [6]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26296330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambitious_Rubbish/pseuds/Ambitious_Rubbish
Summary: Sergeant Elara Dorne is a fine soldier. A shining example of the Republic’s best and brightest. Dedicated. Disciplined. Loyal. And level-headed.At least until she catches you eating spiced Karkan Ribenes off the floor.Force help you.
Series: Miscellaneous Miscellanea [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910671
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	The Five Second Rule

“The _what?!_ ” Elara Dorne’s normally fair skin was a ghastly shade of purplish-pink, her eyes bulged, her fists were clenched at her sides, and while Captain Voclenn N’Shir, Republic Special Forces, hadn’t known her very long, he was pretty sure that this meant she was absolutely incensed. Possibly even apoplectic.

Apoplexy wasn’t really a good look for her.

“The ‘Five Second Rule?’ C’mon, you have to have heard of the-”

“Of course I’ve heard of the Five Second Rule!” Dorne said, gesticulating wildly with her hands. “It’s just that it’s rubbish! I don’t believe this. You’re a grown man, Captain. More importantly, you have the same level of medical training I do! You ought to know better! Were you raised in a bloody barn?!”

“I’m Corellian. Does that count?” He knew he shouldn’t needle her. But it was just so kriffing fun. “Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this… animated, Elara. Even when we’re getting shot at.”

“You just ate something off the floor!”

He waved a hand dismissively. “It was only on there for two seconds.”

 _That_ was entirely the wrong thing to say. “It doesn’t matter if it was two or twenty! Do not make me lecture you on the biology of this.”

“I’m not sure I’m following you.”

She took a deep breath to try and calm herself. Forced her fingers to unclench before her fingernails ended up digging bloody furrows into her palms. “Sir,” she began, her voice quavering as she struggled to regain control of herself. “There are an infinite number of variables involved in determining how much… filth… an item of food can pick up once it hits the floor. For example, how contaminated the floor is, the geometry of the food, how wet or dry the food is. But time? Has little, if _anything_ to do with it. In fact, I would argue that just about everything _but_ time affects how much bacteria can transfer onto that chunk of ribene meat you just swallowed.”

“So, what you’re saying is I shouldn’t have eaten it.”

Her eyes did that “about to leap from her eye sockets” thing again. “Are you even listening to me?!”

“I’m trying to, but your voice has taken on this eerie high-pitched whine… kind of like a speeder with a busted repulsor coil-”

Elara turned to the room’s only other occupant, wordlessly begging him for help. “So help me, Commanding Officer or not, I may just shoot this man and save myself the trouble of treating him for dysentery later.”

It took a heroic effort, but Aric Jorgan managed to keep the smile off his face. “Keep that pistol holstered, Sergeant,” he said, his voice remarkably level given the current circumstances. “Think of all the forms you’ll have to fill out if you discharge that weapon at him.”

“I am… very much aware, Lieutenant,” Dorne said, her voice quavering slightly as she let out a shaky exhalation. “It’s pretty much the only thing keeping the contents of his skull from getting parboiled by a blaster bolt.”

“Tomo-spice is pretty acidic, Elara. Wouldn’t that help any?”

She smacked the heel of her hand into her forehead so hard she nearly made herself dizzy. “I… I’m going to go play ‘Find the Land Mine’ with the EOD personnel.” In a clear sign of how upset she was, she didn’t even wait to be dismissed, simply spun on her heels and began making for the door.

“Don’t blow up anything important,” N’Shir called after her.

“No promises!”

The door hissed as it opened to let her through, then hissed again as it closed behind her, leaving the command element of Havoc Squad alone in their transport’s galley. Neither man spoke for almost a minute, until Jorgan finally ended up breaking the silence.

“Really, Captain? Floor meat?”

Voclenn chuckled softly. “She’s been hounding me for weeks to sign off on all these medical reports she’s been compiling. I had to get rid of her somehow. And my Dad was CorSec. He taught me everything he knew on how to ditch a rabid bureaucrat.”

“That’s fair. It’s just… floor meat?”

“I know, but sometimes you have to improvise. Trust me, it’s worth the possible tummy ache. Look at this mess.” He motioned helplessly to the pile of datapads laid out on the table in front of him. “Readiness reports, ordnance requisitions. I have a half dozen copies of request forms for T-31B servo linkages here. You know what T-31B servo linkages are?”

Jorgan shook his head. “Not a clue.”

“The little actuators that make 4X’s ‘eyebrows’ go up and down.”

The Cathar snorted in wry amusement. “Well, not to add to your already overwhelming work load, sir, but this letter from the quartermaster just came in.” He laid another datapad onto the already impressively sized pile.

“Seriously? Blast it all, what now?” He sighed and picked up the pad, his eyes quickly scanning its contents. “Vik requisitioned thirty rolls of detonite tape? _Thirty?!_ What would he need with thirty rolls of detonite tape?”

“With respect, Captain, I don’t know, and I’m perfectly happy keeping it that way. It’s not my responsibility, anymore.”

Voclenn groaned. “I knew I shouldn’t have taken this stupid job.”


End file.
